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Gift-Giving for Geeks How many times have you given the geek in your life a present, certain that it was exactly what they wanted, only to see the tell-tale pained expression that says "Uh-Oh" deep in your mind? If you're like most family members and friends of geeks, at LEAST once or twice.

Buying a present for the geek in your life is fraught with danger, whether you yourself are a geek or not. After all, we all want our gifts to be something good, right? Something relevent to the recipient's interests, something they'll enjoy, and most importantly, something they'll actually like - preferably something they wanted. That's not too difficult for non-geeks, it seems; we all know enough of golf, or football, or fishing, or books, to find something at least satisfactory.

But for the geek! Ah, now THERE's a problem. Suppose, for example, that you are a computer geek in need of a new CD-RW drive. You know, after some research, that you want a Plextor IDE drive, their latest model with all the bells and whistles. Christmas morning, you will most likely find any number of things under the tree, but that Plextor won't be one of them. The non-geek members of the family will have bought whatever the salesperson told them was "just like" what they remembered you telling them, which explains the Sony Discman knock-off by JVC and the regular no-name CD-ROM drive. The geeks all felt that the Plextor was over-rated and got you whatever drive THEY wanted, rather than what you asked for. Leaving you with gifts which you try your best to appreciate, but let's face it; they aren't what you wanted, or what you'll enjoy. Computer hardware and software aren't like golf clubs; usually, you want precise items, rather than general categories. We can all shop for "golf clubs", even if we don't play golf; but if I say I want a new Voodoo video card, how likely is it that my mother will know what I'm after and get the right one?

Of course, you could simply ask for money, then purchase what you want. Or, you could give a precise, written list, including model numbers and places where Plextor drives can be found. But while that gets you what you wanted - hopefully - it's pretty unsatisfactory for the people buying the gift. While cash is "everyone's favorite present", it isn't one that feels good to give; the gift is measured by the amount spent, then, rather than the amount of thought or the meaning behind it. The same goes for the "precise list" option; now the gift giver is left feeling obligated. They're not giving a gift at that point; they're just brokering a purchase for you.

So, what do you do? Well, the conventional advice in a column like this is a short list of practical, everyday items that all geeks need; floppy disks, CD-R blanks, cables, monitor cleaners, and so on. While it's true that these are practical gifts, there's just one problem - BOOOORIIIING... I might appreciate the gift as something I can use, but it's not the kind of thing to make the gift memorable. It's kind of like getting socks and underwear from your grandmother when you were a kid. Yes, you needed them. Yes, they were practical. Did you jump out of your seat to go give Granny a hug? Yes, but only because your mother told you to.

But it doesn't have to be that way. There are things that almost all geeks would love to receive as a present but would NEVER buy for themselves. Let's take my nearly-end-of-December-holiday-season wish list as an example:

Dear Santa,

I've been a VERY good boy this year. For nearly-end-of-December-holiday-season this year, I would like a Palm Pilot (preferably the 3Com Palm VIIx, although the Palm Vx wouldn't break my heart), a SCSI CD-R drive, a new multi-processor motherboard (VIA, non-RAMBUS chipset, please) with processors, and whirled peas.

Thank you,
Matt

Essentially, your basic geek never stops being a kid. When I say "toy", I mean toy. Have you seen the new LEGO Mindstorms kits? Programmable robots made from LEGOs? What geek wouldn't love to play with one of those for a few hours? But would I ever buy one? No, of course not. I need a Palm Pilot more than I need a robot. I might put Mindstorms on the list as a very low priority - but we all know I'll never get that far down the list. Another example would be the little RC cars and boats, or, for the big spenders of the world, planes and helicopters. If you're on the left coast of the US, go to a Fry's Electronics store and look in the toy aisles - lots of things in there that most geeks of any age would at the very least get a chuckle out of receiving. And if you can manage that, your gift is a success.

Where did this trend of asking for certain gifts get started, anyway? Who came up with this idea of me giving you a list of things to get me? That's no fun; there's no element of surprise there. There's no THOUGHT there. Gifts become items of status; gift-givers are judged on the basis of how expensive their gift was. Forget that; I'd rather get fun things that I would never get, otherwise. Now THAT's a valuable gift, even if it only cost the gift-giver $5. For my birthday present this year from my mother-in-law, I didn't get anything that I might have asked for, had I been asked; I got something better. What? A ceramic yellow school bus cookie jar. Why was that "better"? Well, that's a running family joke that I won't go into here, but the point is I would never have purchased it myself (except, perhaps, to give to Marlaina), but it was something that caused me to burst into laughter when I opened it. It's a gift I'll remember, a gift I appreciated, and a gift that I liked.

Which can't be said for the "Handheld Organizer" the Office Depot salesperson will insist is exactly like the item on my list...